Tag: life update

A Day of Rest – Blogmas 2025

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

Well, I was hoping it wouldn’t happen, but it did.

For reasons I cannot explain (seriously), I went from feeling fine and peppy at work to feeling like a truck hit me. Went home sick and still feel that way.

So, no true Blogmas post today. Gonna take tonight to rest.

[Full disclosure, I typed this up on Wednesday the 10th. Because of how poorly I was feeling, what with the near fainting at work and having to drive home and all that, I forgot to hit publish. It is technically backdated to the draft date, I just didn’t make it readable. I’m feeling much better, but I didn’t want any confusion. Thank you!]

It’s a Holiday Surprise! I’m Back for Blogmas – Blogmas 2025

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a long time coming.

No, really. I’ve been wanting to sit back done and return to this blog, but it’s been hard. There’s a lot that has stopped me, both in my life and mentally. But I decided today that it was time. A habit takes, what, thirty days? And though I only really want to blog once or twice a week, let’s just go full throttle throughout December to Christmas, because why not.

There’s a lot to talk about. I’m going to make the time to do so.

The basics: I’m 35 now. Spent my last birthday celebrating at Disneyland, staying at the Disneyland Hotel (thanks Mom!), having the time of my life. I still have my job that I don’t talk about, been there now three years. Even though each day is taxing, I know what I’m doing is helping people, and that’s what my main goal is.

I’m basically out of the writing and fandom scene. I don’t really write much anymore, completely burnt out thanks to the BS of the last fandom I was in. I’m toying with some things that I may put to paper, but it’ll be a long time coming before anyone sees a glimpse of anything. As for fandoms, I watch stuff, I read more, but I don’t engage. After the fiasco of The Old Guard 2‘s release (yes it came out, yes we’re gonna talk about it), I’ve firmly stepped back. Primarily to protect myself, secondary because I just don’t feel like fighting strangers on the internet.

I’ve joined a bunch of book clubs, and left most of them, mostly due to interpersonal drama and/or clashing personalities. I just don’t see the point of taking part when all opinions can’t be heard or discussed without being told “nah, this is the only thing.” The ones I’m still in are great, fine, calm, and the people there are sweet.

Still reading, still with my insane reading goals. The full thing will be a post on it’s own, but I’ve been doing two reading challenges this year, and I’m about to complete them both. It’s satisfying.

Still gaming, completely in love with Disney Dreamlight Valley, and about to restart Animal Crossing New Horizons because of the surprise 3.0 update coming in January.

And really? Just living. Just getting up every day, doing my job, slowly breaking out of the shell I forced myself into the past couple years when everything seemed to be crumbling around me. It’s going to take some more time, more exploration of myself, before I’m the “me” I can be fully happy with, but it’s a journey. I’m on that path, and it’s healing.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

Taking an Official Long Term Hiatus

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

Well. This wasn’t how I wanted to start 2023.

As can be clearly seen, I’m taking an official hiatus from a lot of things right now. I stepped away from this blog unexpectedly in December and just never got back to it. Then I started stepping back all together.

I made the decision to go on a near total social media hiatus as of February 13th, 2023 (or 14th on Twitter, because I forgot to upload the TwitLonger until after midnight). The reasons for this are many, but basically circle back to my mental health. I’ve been in a bit of a spiral for almost a year now, with many aspects of my life feeling out of my control. With issues cropping up in my personal, professional, and social parts of my life, something needed to give.

As of the 13th, I am taking a break from posting or actively interacting on most social media sites, including Tiktok, Twitter, and Reddit. I’ve unfollowed and blocked anyone or anything that was causing me distress or harm. Tumblr and Discord will follow at the end of the month, once Febuwhump 2023 wraps up and I finally, officially, end all commitments to the 9-1-1 and 9-1-1 Lone Star fandoms.

Let me be clear here, I’m not saying that only one group or fandom or reason has caused my stepping back. There’s a lot of reasons compounded together. But I’m also aware that I was unconsciously seeking out the same things that were causing me issues on all sides. By stepping away and cutting as many ties as possible, I’m hoping to heal and move forward in a more positive manner.

I plan to take my time away and use it in a productive manner. I had a personal goal for 2023 to move every post from this blog over to another and use this one as a host for my fanfic should I decide to remove them from AO3 (which, if that happens, would be far in the future). I’m slowly going to be doing that, starting with the earliest posts. Once I get a few up, I’ll update this post with a quick link to direct you there. This post will stay up until everything is moved and/or I return from hiatus and post something different. Beyond this goal, I am also getting back to my love of reading and hoping to work on some projects that I’ve been putting off.

This isn’t a permanent hiatus. I will be back in the future. I have plans for when I return. I just don’t know when that will be just yet. Taking this time away is important.

I’ll see you soon. <3

What’s With Us And Thanksgiving Anyways? – Blogmas 2022

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

I swear my family is not allowed to have a normal Thanksgiving.

For 2022, my family and I made the decision that it was finally safe enough to open up our doors to allow a family friend to visit for Thanksgiving. This was discussed for a good long while before we made the decision to go ahead and let this friend visit. We knew of the risks involved, but we figured it should be safe enough. He knew our rules and what we did to stay safe.

Well, we were sure as hell wrong.

I’m not going to discuss the entire trip – that would take entirely too long and wow I don’t feel like being that negative this early in the holiday season. I will say that I’m purposely skipping on thing that happened on Thanksgiving, but I’m saving that for a good reason.

So, Thanksgiving dawned bright and cold. Mom and I got an early start on our stuffing for our bird, with our guest continuing his bout of making rude comments about our cooking skills and generally getting in our way whenever he felt like it. We got Herbert the Turkey in the oven right on time with no real issue.

During the open period between turkey in and putting the extra stuffing into to bake, the guest decided to go take a nap in my mom’s room (she offered). This worked to our advantage because we were able to get a jump on prep. We got the stuffing in and moved steadily right along.

That is, until I noticed smoke coming out of the oven. The butter that we use in the stuffing had leaked from the little stuffing packs and was dripping onto the bottom of the oven, burning and smoking up the entire main living area of the apartment. We quickly got everything out and threw flour over the smouldering butter to kill the potential for fire and quickly got the smoke out of the apartment.

Well, Thanksgiving dinner was obviously going to be canceled, right?

Wrong. Mostly because of Mom. Well, something that she likes to say.

Summer last year, we bought a grill finally, a small two burner gas grill for our little patio. It was just large enough to fit the turkey, leaving just enough room for us to baste and also bake a few extra stuffing packets as well. It was tight, but it worked.

Thanks to the scramble and the delay of getting the turkey and everything back on, we had the mad scramble to make and finish all the side dishes all at once. While my uncle sat at the table patiently and nibbled on the biscuits we put out, dear guest kept coming in, opening the fridge, trying to stick his fingers in the pans (without washing his hands) and just generally ended up getting enough four letter words thrown at him that I think I would have been adopted as a sailor if I had wanted to be and no one would have been the wiser.

We did get everything on the table on time. Barely. And the turkey got a little overcooked (cooking on the grill is a whole other beast). But it was good! Dear guest flat out said ti was tasteless, but he wouldn’t know good food if it came and bit him on the ass.

The rest of the night passed with cleaning and basically putting Thanksgiving away, and generally ignoring the TV since dear guest wouldn’t turn off one of the few shows Mom explicitly asked not be watched with her around. The request wasn’t honored.

(He also got us very very sick, so sick in fact that I’m still feeling the effects to this day, but that’s a story for another nightmare.)

I swear, I should just cancel Thanksgiving next year. It’s just not worth it at this point. I just can’t win.

Until next time!

Life Is Crazy, Pass It On

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while. A long while. Almost seven weeks to be exact.

Hi everyone. I’ve been meaning to write up a post about what’s going on, where I’ve been, etc. I really have. But real life obilations took over, along with writing burnout and just generally wanting to just take a very firm step back.

The past few months have been absolutely crazy. Work has finally exploded as I’m officially out of training and into my official probation period. Actually, as this post goes up, I will have been on probation for six weeks, halfway through. It’s been a real up and down process. I don’t want to go into too much detail, for privacy’s sake. I will say however, that while I come away every night exhausted, I also have a sense of fulfillment. I just need to get more comfortable with everything, and that comes with time.

On the writing front, I’m still knee deep into Writer’s Month, even though I am very very late in finishing. It has been a moderately successful month, though there have been some firm ups and downs due to rude commentors, as well as some unwanted attention from a group that I don’t associate with. By the end of tonight, I should only have four left to write, then I can quickly shift gears towards Whumptober 2022… which I haven’t even looked at yet. And I’m also planning on working on Nanowrimo this year if I can, which will be an amazing feat…

I’ve been reading on my breaks at work, slowly making my way through the Heroes of Olympus series. I’m on book four, House of Hades, my goal was to be done with both HoH and the finale by the middle of September, but as it can clearly been seen, I missed that by a bit. I just haven’t really had the time. If I can finish these last few fics, I’ll be able to spend an evening just knocking them out, hopefully.

And of course, the video game front. I’ll do a full Animal Crossing update one of these days (hint: I’m getting burned out here as well). But I’m also at 374 platinums and more than halfway done with 375, which is actually my third playthrough of Lego DC Supervillains! I’m playing the JPN version, which honestly is exactly the same as the North American and European versions, just with two buttons flipped. But it’s been fun to revisit once again.

As for 9-1-1… This is the big thing. Tonight was the premiere. And I didn’t watch it. I’ll be watching it tomorrow after work. I made this decision a bit ago, simply because I just wasn’t excited for this season. During the summer and leading into August, I realized that I just don’t see the show the same way others do. I don’t want to get too long winded, but I decided to just wait until Tuesday to watch it, to give myself a day. I managed to avoid most of the promos and articles, baring the first two or three brief promos, so I would know relatively little… Except that one: people on the internet are allergic to tagging spoilers (or even just tagging the fandom), and two: someone decided to be an ass and send me two comments on one of my fics that featured a breakdown of the two released scenes leading up to the premiere. I’ll be doing a post on this later on, but fandom etiquette is non-existent at this point.

So. Wrap up. I’m back. Real life and life away from this blog are insane. My migraines are back and I’m going to a neuro ophthalmologist as soon as the one I was referred to calls me back. Expect the post for 9-1-1 6×01 to be delayed another day. It’s all right.

Promise I’ll be on some sort of posting schedule again soon. Ish. Soonish.

Until next time!

Let’s Talk: Gaming in 2022 – July Update

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

It’s the year of puzzle games, a few standouts, and Animal Crossing.

We are officially past the halfway point of 2022 and things are moving steadily along. I’m slowly getting through all of my goals, with a hope of completing them to the best of my ability by the end of the year.

The Playstation Update

I started this year with 303 Platinum trophies. As of the time of writing, I’m at 339. I’ve already picked #350, which I’ll talk about in a bit.

For the most part, I’ve just been playing easy puzzle games and hidden pictures games, mostly because it’s just calming and easy and still fun. I’m not trying to spend every moment gaming (nor can I), so this has been just calm and easy.

Of games of note, there have been a few standouts as well.

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales was an absolute amazing game, though the post game just wasn’t as interesting to me. I normally like collectathon games, but something just didn’t click with me. The story, however, is so important and well done.

A game that surprised me was Lost Words: Beyond the Page. It was a sale pickup, and I chose it simply because the cover art looked interesting. The story itself was poignant and well done, focusing on a child going through the stages of grief. If you want a short but fun little indie title, give this one a play! (If you’re going for all trophies/achievements, make sure to use a guide for the collectables. There are about ten that will trip you up.)

Unpacking is a game from last year that finally just released on PSN. A story told in a few words, it’s a quick but fun and satisfying game. Absolutely go into this one without any spoilers or having watched any lore. I honestly think this is an amazing little game.

And of course, how can I do a list of games without talking about the largest game on this list, that took almost two months to finally 100% because of its size (and because I was working)? Lego Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga earned its reputation as being the largest Lego game, unseating Lego City Undercover and Lego Dimensions. It’s also damn good, fixing the things that I heavily disliked about the prequel and sequel trilogies, while also doing justice to the stories. The post game content is somewhat repetitive (lots of fetch quests), but I did enjoy it. At some point this year I’d love to replay it on either PS5 (providing that I get it as my birthday/Christmas present, it’s been hinted already) or on Xbox One.

Animal Crossing New Horizons

One of my biggest goals this year was to complete as much of Animal Crossing New Horizons as possible. And honestly? I’m doing pretty well.

I spend about thirty minutes or so total a day playing, usually just doing Nook Miles+ tasks and a few things that need to be done still (collect wood, catch creatures, take a Capp’n trip, and exercise). It’s low stress, something I would usually do on my breaks. I don’t particularly mind doing it.

One thing I’ve focused on is making sure to get each month’s creatures. That means at the beginning of the month, I take note of what new creatures are spawning and what time they spawn and slowly get them all. I’ve been doing great with that, only missing one that stopped appearing in February (I only had like two days to get it), and I’m only looking for one more in July.

I usually play when I have something on in the background (lately, One Chicago, which I finally just finished the midpoint of the series, and soon to be Heartstopper and Marvel’s What If?). If I’m playing while I’m on lunch break at work, I usually turn on Lofi Girl on Youtube and enjoy it. Such a good way to pass the time.

Wait, go back to the Puzzle Games.

Well, there’s a lot of those.

Puzzle games are what I like to refer to as Platinum-bait. Nine times out of ten, I could knock them out in about ten minutes or less. Some of them I do stretch out.

My honest to Merlin favorites are any games released by POWGI, as they are always word puzzles in some way. We’re talking crosswords, fill in the blank, word scrambles… You name it, they’ve probably made a game or three for it. But I find them fun to play through, and I can take my time with them to stretch them out over a week or so.

To the surprise of no one, I’ve also played the currently released Artifex Mundi hidden picture games. Those are… well, formulaic at this point. I do enjoy them for their actual hidden picture mechanic, but not for anything else. The stories have gotten stale and uninspired, and they use the same four voice actors for every game, giving each one a boring aspect.

The other puzzle game I want to mention is also not one with trophies, but it tells a pretty good message. Island Saver is a game revolving around three things: cleaning up the environment, recycling, and banking. Yes, those make some sort of sense. It’s actually a good deal of fun, if slightly frustrating in some places. It was developed by indie studio Stormcloud Games and published by a British banking chain called Natwest. It ended up being a fun little game for two days.

In Summary

I’ll be totally honest, I don’t think I’m going to hit two of my gaming goals, since they were made when I actually had free time. But I’m going to keep on pushing through.

(For those curious, I’ve slowed down getting Platinum Trophies, and my goal was to crack 375 this year. The other was to complete just about everything in ACNH, but I know I’m behind for a lot of things, thanks to island travelling.)

But gaming in 2022 is still a lot of fun and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Until next time!

Life Update: Where I Stand

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

Hi friends.

Before anything else, allow me to give a sincere apology. I had grand plans for June, and I failed at them. In fact, I think June has been one of my lowest posting months of this year, but with good reason.

So, let’s get into this. A lot of things have changed since my last post, and the situation is more fluid than I thought it was that day (and the day I posted that update).

Let’s start with the mostly controlled. My job. So, last Monday was my first in-office day (I only have to go in on Mondays). Surprisingly, it wasn’t terrible. I did discover that I cannot stand it, because it’s quiet, then people will have loud conversations and pull me away from what I’m working in. I’m also in the middle of an intense training course, which started on Monday as well. This means that I’m basically distracted from 8AM-4:30PM every week day, and I can’t check my personal stuff like I have been leading up to this.

On the downside, someone tested positive for COVID. Now, I have tested negative daily since my in-office day, but I’ve already complained again. Myself and one other in my group did the best we could to keep distance and wear masks, but it’s not required and most people weren’t. I’m still somewhat self-isolating just in case (until tomorrow). It’s a precaution that I probably don’t need to take, but it’s one that I’ll happily do to keep my family safe.

Now, onto the fandom bullshit. Yes, I’m calling it that, because it’s been a bit of a nightmare. I’m going to be a bit blunt, my apologies in advance.

Early last week, I was included on a list of “problematic” authors. This list was distributed amongst the entire 9-1-1 community on Tumblr. Surrounding this post was posts talking about everyone who was on this list, labeling us as racists.

I am not, or have I ever been, racist. To call someone that… No. It’s absolutely not true. And the fact that this stems from me not being a fan of a character of color… Apparently, if I hold Chimney Han to task for punching Buck, if he isn’t one of my favorite characters, then I am racist.

Being called this was soul-destroying. I’m not joking, I had a damn panic attack. What made it worse is that I found out in the middle of the work day (the Tuesday before my in-office day). And honestly, to top off this, I was called into a meeting with an HR representative, as they had seen the post (we’d previously discussed fanfic and fandom, so they had a passing knowledge of my usernames, freely given) and felt that I may have violated my contract. It was nearly an hour of defending myself, but I kept my job. What saved me was a post that said I was only on the list out of spite, because I toed the line (I abhor violence and would be against any character who threw the punch) and because I once kudoed one of the “problematic” fics.

I made the choice to delete my fics because I was afraid. I didn’t want to be bombarded (as I was already seeing others be). It was a horrific few days, and I thought, “this is it, I’m done with fandom. I can’t do this anymore.” It was only when people stood up to this, using logic to fight back against this wave of hatred, did I decide to repost.

Now, I do want to make something clear. I do think that people have stepped over the line in this fandom. Are they racist? I can’t be the one to say that. However, I can say that the way this group went about telling people, by putting out what can only be described as a target or hit list, and doubling down, targeting anyone who dared comment in support or kudo (whether or not they were aware of this group), they handled it poorly. They have stated clearly that they contacted the people who were on the list before it went live, “educating” them (their words). It was only when they received a negative response or no response at all did they release the list. (This is how I know I was added in the end. I received no communication what so ever. I checked all of my social media.)

Right now, I’m slowly getting everything reposted. For the most part, every story is getting a read through and a quick spelling and grammar check. Sometimes I’m adding a line or a word, nothing crazy. One had an ending change (which, I should note, was something I was planning on working on during my next three day weekend; this just gave me an early opportunity). And a few are going up untouched. Each one now has a clear message at the end of it:

“This work has been reposted by the original author. Please do not link to this fic or put it on a recommendation list without the permission of the author. Do not add this fic to any discord, no permission will be given. Comment moderation is on. If you have any issues/problems with this fic, or any other that I have written, my Tumblr DMs are open for discussion.”

As a result of me doing all this reposting (it will end up being approximately 100 fics all told, as there are several that I just don’t really like so they probably won’t return), my plans for the beginning of the month are going to be delayed. My kudo project update (which has returned with everything being reuploaded) will be delayed until next week, as well as my book, video game, and tv check-in posts. There are a few other things I want to talk about in the coming weeks as well. Hopefully by Monday (the 4th, which I’m not celebrating for good reason), I’ll have some sort of posting plan set and started.

Thank you all for your patience and understanding. This has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, one that is slowly getting back to normal. <3

Until next time!

Let’s Talk: What’s Coming During The Summer Months

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

Please pardon the dust!

One of my biggest goals going into the summer months is to revamp this blog a bit, using a new template and everything. I just feel the need to change things up. Nothing is currently being planned for deletion, but things may be moved around a bit, tags might get messed up, etc. All will (hopefully) be well and right with this once I get it done the way I want. These changes are planned to happen over the weekend, when I have an extra day off (yay for not having to work on federal holidays!).

On the subject of blogs, another major thing on my list is to finally set up a blog specifically for my fanfiction. It has become more common to see fic being posted on both AO3 and on personal WordPress accounts, and it’s high time I follow suit. When it’s all set up, it will be included as one of the links on the menu, and I will also be making a post detailing anything that needs to be said. You should expect to find all of the fic that I’ve written and posted on AO3, along with a few others I may pull from the FF.Net vaults (but if those happen, I’ll be heavily editing them. It’s high time).

Beyond this, I have plans to catch up on a lot of shows that I missed this year. My goal is to give them the One Chicago treatment that I was doing last summer, where I review each season, instead of by individual episode (since I’ll be basically binge watching them). My plan for viewing is:

  • One Chicago (I’m currently midway through Season Five of Chicago Fire and Season Four of Chicago PD. I’m still not planning on watching Chicago Med past what I need to because of crossovers, do to my utter dislike of pure medical dramas (I just can’t handle it; there’s nothing wrong with the show itself). However, I may give Chicago Justice’s one season a quick hate-watch)
  • Hawaii Five-0 (This is a maybe, depending on how I feel.)
  • SWAT (This is also a maybe, at least in finishing it before the next season airs. It’s a good show, just not a priority.)
  • Heartstopper (This one is a must. I read the first graphic novel early last year and really liked it, but ended up forgetting to read on, and I rehomed the novel anyway. It’s high time for me to give it another shot and also love on the Netflix series.)
  • Locke and Key (I watched Season One last year and ended up really liking it, but I haven’t given Season Two a watch yet. I plan on doing that soon!)
  • Whatever Marvel throws at us. (I’m caught up on everything but Doctor Strange and Marvel’s What If? at this point. Ms. Marvel comes out in June, and I think She-Hulk follows in July or August? Something like that.)

I’m not sure when these write-ups will be posted, as I’m also having to work around my work schedule (which will be changing in mid/late June when I finally enter training, and no I’m not joking about that).

From there, I want to give a brief update to my reading challenge. It’s going… Okay, it’s basically stopped right now. With my first paycheck, I took a portion of it to try to finish collecting the last books I need for my collections. I still have to find eight more books, but for the most part, I could probably sit down and blast through a good chunk of the list and not have a problem. I’m just stalling, I guess you could say. I know what I want to read, but I just haven’t had the drive to read it. With my two major hyperfixation shows on summer hiatus, no writing challenges on the horizon, and no discord to bother me, I really think this will be the best time to blast through and get through them. (In fact, as soon as this is done and posted, I plan on grabbing my next book and reading, since I probably won’t be doing much of anything at work today, but I can’t watch or play anything without fear of missing something.)

One of my other goals is to finally finish off a few of my writing plans. As of right this exact second, I have six story ideas that I want to write and finish. I won’t talk about them here (simply put, I don’t want anyone to snag them), but I hope to finish them during the summer. One should be posted on AO3 by the end of this week if everything goes well. (And since I probably jinxed myself, there’s always next week. But I do want something posted before the end of the month.)

And of course, I also have a few plans for posts for this blog. I want to give updates on some of my ongoing projects, including The Kudo Project I mentioned in April (which I plan to talk about in early July). I also would love to talk about my Playstation Trophy-a-Day challenge, where I’m trying to get a trophy every day this year (self-explanatory, I think). And there are other posts planned during the months ahead.

As for personal plans this summer? I really don’t have any. We’d hoped to go see another Dodger game, but with the rising numbers again, I’m not exactly comfortable with being in a large group again. Mom and I do, however,  want to drive around the LA area and explore. I want to go to a few different bookstores that have been on my list since moving here (The Last Bookstore and the Barnes and Noble located at the Grove, both in LA). But my big goal is to settle into my job and get through training when that starts up next month.

That’s all I have for today! There will of course be other things posted (breaking down some stuff from both 9-1-1 and 9-1-1: Lone Star, probably at least one Marvel post, etc.) that will also be filling the gaps. I hope you all stick around!

Until next time!

Let’s Talk: Making the Choice to Step Away from a Fandom Hub – Why I Left the Discord I Was On

~ Liz Harrison ~ Leave a comment

I mentioned in my review of 9-1-1 5×16 that I had more to talk about when it came to my feeling regarding the unintentional release of the 5×18 stills early. But this doesn’t really focus too much on the show.

No, this is about the Discord I was on.

Now, I normally wouldn’t talk about this at all, especially since the situation is over and done with (as you will see soon). However, as I have publicly supported this Discord server and talked about it here on my blog, I feel the need to bookend that. I won’t be naming or shaming anyone, just saying “the server” when referring to the server, and vague terms when referring to someone as necessary.

This is be the only time I bring up this topic in such a manner. Following today, if I have any reason to talk about the server, I will be brief and just barely mention it. I just feel it’s important to explain why I’ve been pretty late on posting things for the last couple of weeks. It all directly comes back to this issue.

Before we get to the fateful May 4th, we need to start the story back a bit further.

I haven’t felt comfortable on the server for a while now. Just something felt off. I was noticing that my comments and headcanons were being ignored or cut down. I wasn’t able to bring up an opposing point in a conversation, though others were allowed to push forward their own and those were taken as fact. In particular, I felt like I couldn’t be critical of two characters, both of which I felt were poorly written. But if I said something, I was given all sorts of hell. Or, it was implied that my personal feelings for a character impacted someone else’s headcanon of that character, and that the other person’s headcanon was more important. (Ignoring the fact that as a headcanon, it’s not canon. And at this point, this headcanon won’t be proven as fact anyway, because it seems this character’s time on the show is going to be done as of the finale.)

But I never really said anything about all this. For one, I honestly thought it was all in my head. There’s no way that a bunch of adults would do this, and I didn’t want to whine about it like a child not getting their way. But this had been going from the moment I stepped up into a moderation role, and seemed to kick up when I stepped back. (Which… I never mentioned on here, but my decision to accept the role led me to be gaslit to hell by someone I’d considered a friend, and me stepping away was seen as a betrayal to that person’s friends. It was all around a bad situation.)

Around the time I got good news for my job search, I decided that at the end of the season, I would be leaving the server. Yes, that would end up being a six week wait, but I figured that was the smartest thing to do. I wanted to see the season out. I was also trying to break my longest instance of writer’s block that I’ve had for a while, and I was hoping with the support of these people, I would be able to do so.

Things continued downhill pretty rapidly. My comments on episodes would be ignored, but then brought up verbatim by others and enjoyed. When I posted about the job search, that was ignored, until someone two hours later would bring up the same subject, and conversation would ensue. When I had a personal thing happen with my family (referenced on this blog, I’m not going into it), I got a “that sucks” message, then the conversation immediately shifted away to something complete different. (And just so it’s known, I always would make sure to post my comments or whatnot in the correct locations on the server. This wasn’t a case of me getting things wrong.)

It was becoming very clear that I was on the outside of the group, and the people I had considered to be acquaintances, perhaps even friends, just didn’t care. So, I firmly decided that I would leave on May 16th, or 17th if the conversation regarding the finale was decent.

And then, there were two instances that rapidly changed my mind.

First, immediately following the end of 5×16, everyone was talking about how great the Jonah twist was, and how it was so surprising, and no one could hate it. Well, me being me, viewed the storyline from a different point of view. As I’ve stated elsewhere, I found the storyline to be boring and formulaic, something done many times before. And so I said as such, but I tried to be polite about it. I was immediately and pretty viciously cut down, and flat out told that my wish for a “red herring” storyline was idiotic. Basically, no difference of opinion to the majority.

That was annoying. But like always, I tried to brush it off. I was still just going to deal with it and wait out the rest of the season, but then… May 4th happened.

As I mentioned in my review of 5×16, on May 4th, the marketing team accidentally released the stills for episode 5×18. These stills revealed that the characters featured in danger during 5×17 (confirmed in the promo) would be absolutely fine, or that there is a large time skip between 5×17 and 5×18. While the reveal of these stills already suck, it’s the fact that they were released instead of the 5×17 stills that was truly surprising.

While everyone on the server was cheering over the fact that we got the stills early, I thought of the marketing person who might actually get in trouble for this mistake, and for the casual fans on Twitter who perhaps don’t like to dive deeply into episodes, or pick apart every scene until the meaning of the episode is lost to wild speculation. They might happen upon the stills and have the suspense spoiled. (And it was spoiled, now that I’ve seen 5×17.) When I brought up the Fox employee and the casual fans, I was flat out told to can it. No one cared. I was wrong. And besides, the synopsis had already been released so my comments were “just there to bring the group down, and that wasn’t cool.”

I tried to defend my point, but it was clear that while I actually cared for people, the majority just cared for the show. Nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that someone could have been reprimanded for once again releasing something relating to 9-1-1 early. It didn’t matter that there were already people making the same comments over on Twitter. Nope. Sucks for them, they should learn to be a part of fandom or get out.

And honestly? This mentality really bothered me. But, once again, I was pretty much about to ignore it.

But something weird happened. We found out that the stills were deleted from the marketing site, then restored, then the 5×17 stills were released. It was pretty clear that, yes, there had been a mistake that Fox was trying to correct, before realizing that the stills were out for everyone, so they might as well just leave them.

I summarized this on the discord (referencing tweets from the 911 News Twitter account. Only to be told that, great the new stills are here, I’m still wrong, just drop the stills and stop talking. And this was coming from a group of people, not just one. Regular members, and members from the various tiers of moderation.

At the same time, I was having a lovely conversation with someone in another part of the server, who was lamenting that they had just left their first server. I told them my philosophy: when it’s time to go, go. There’s a reason that you want to leave, and it’s totally valid. You can miss it, but you won’t enjoy forcing yourself to stay.

Which hit me like a ton of bricks. I was basically being a hypocrite. I was ignoring everything that I was telling this person to do.

So, I left. Without a word, without a trace.

I tried to message the head mod when I left, but the moderation team had their private messaging on lock down. So, I’ve settled for vaguely talking about it in the author note of my first fic in months, as well as two vague posts on Tumblr and Twitter, and now this. I made it very and blatantly clear that I wanted to talk about my issues with the handling of the server privately. There has been no response to those comments. The only comment I’ve received at any point since May 4th was a comment for on my newest 9-1-1 fic, where I was just told to “you do you boo”. I’m still trying to figure out of they were being sarcastic or not…

I’m 1000% aware that if one of them come across my blog and read this, they will argue about every single point. I could put money on it. But this is what happened from my POV.

It’s been a week since I left. The knot that has been my insides has finally eased. I survived watching 5×17 and 3×17 without seeing a myriad of comments, most of which would be people whining that their headcanons were wrong. (AGAIN). 

And I have to say? I enjoyed it so much more.

So, in conclusion to this long post, I say this. I’m discord-less and have one foot out of the fandom (at least, publicly). But at the same time, I feel fine. I finally feel like I can publicly talk about characters and storylines without having to keep the words coming out of my mouth respectful.

I feel like myself again. <3

Until next time!

(Quick note: the reviews for 5×17 and 3×17 will be up in the following days. Just needed to get this out first.)

Let’s Talk: My 2022 Kudo Project

~ Liz Harrison ~ 1 Comment

Something that I’ve been struggling with this year is motivation, especially in relation to writing.

It’s something that I have dealt with my entire adult life, since college anyway. There are times that I can write for days, weeks even, all sorts of different things. And then there are months that I just stare at a blank screen wondering why I even bothered getting my degree in Creative Writing, because I’m so zapped.

Even when I was working on Febuwhump, which was one of my most successful writing ventures since getting majorly back into writing fanfiction back in February 2021, there were days that I just didn’t even want to look at anything, or even think of writing. (And this, friends, is why I started working on my Febuwhump prompts in early January, after the prompt list dropped.)

But then I noticed something.

Because of my job search, I ended up checking my email a lot. And something that always gave me a real serotonin boost was seeing the daily kudo email from AO3. And I thought about it, and I came up with an idea.

But before we get to that, let me explain. Something Archive of Our Own does is once a day they email you a list of who gave “kudos” to your works. It lists each work separately, and it can sometimes be crazy to see almost 50 names next to one of my works. (Of course, nothing will ever beat the day I got 199 kudos for one work on the same day, and no I’m not joking, I have the screenshot to prove it, which I may post on TikTok one of these days just to freak out about…)

Anyway, I came up with this idea. If I wanted to get writing, I needed some motivation. So I made a spreadsheet using Google Sheets (so that I could look at it on my phone if need be). I’d include screenshots, but this isn’t a brag post. I’ll just try to be as detailed as possible.

On the top row, I made a column for every day in 2022. Each day is color coded by month, starting with the first to whatever is the last day. Along the left side is every work that is currently on AO3 that has received kudos this year. They are in alphabetical order. Any work published this year is color coded to the month it releases, mostly just so I can see how much writing I’m doing (or not, in the case of March and April). But the top row and column are frozen so that they can be seen while I’m scrolling.

Each day, I go through the email and input the previous day’s kudos, filling in any blank boxes with zeroes for calculation purposes. It looks kinda messy, but at the same time… it helps. (I also tally up each individual day’s kudos, but that’s for my planner, and I’m going to leave that for another discussion post.)

At the end of every month, I use a simple formula to see how many kudos each story received during the month, as well as which days were more popular. It’s always interesting. I also just see how well the works I’ve posted for a particular month did. I also copy the list from the main sheet and move it to its own sheet, so that I can hide the month on the main sheet and not have the file crash on me. It helps with organization too. Currently I can only see April on. On May 1st, I’ll transfer everything and then I’ll see May. But I’m not deleting anything. If I need/want to, I could expand all of the columns again and see them all.

For example, in January, I got over 200 kudos for new works posted, which I think is pretty good. That was spread out over eleven fics. In March, I got 42 kudos for the lone story that was published on March 1st. And in February… I almost cracked 2000 kudos for 28 works being posted. No, you read that right. February was absolutely my best month this year.

Like I said, this isn’t a brag post. But the numbers keep me motivated.

I’m planning on continuing this all year, right into the new year. I’m curious to see if my currently popular fics stay popular, or if others will sway into that popularity. It’s been interesting to watch. I know most people aren’t into breaking data down, but it’s kept my mind moving, and that’s always a plus.

Unless it comes up in passing, I’ll keep the numbers for this to myself until December. I’m curious to see just how much changes over the course of a year.

Until next time!