… and now I know what it is to lose two hours to a fever dream.
Look, I’ll be honest. I paid ten bucks for this film. I went in with low expectations. But honestly, I was hoping to be surprised! I’ve enjoyed movies that people hate before. I was really hoping this would be another Valerian for me, something terrible but with a redeemable quality to it. Somewhere.
Nope.
I picked up the film for Marwan Kenzari, who is one of the stars of my favorite 2020 film, The Old Guard. I knew his role was small. I knew that he was only in a handful of scenes. But I was at least hopeful that I would enjoy something about this film until I saw him, and perhaps even get a kick out of it.
Honestly, I spent most of my time trying to figure out if this was supposed to be a horror/action film… or a damn comedy.
Tom Cruise stars in this nightmare, playing Sergeant Nick Morton. Though, if he was supposed to be military, I have news for you, you wouldn’t have a damn clue. I honestly thought that him being called “sergeant” was more of a throwback title, not his rank. He acted too much like a civilian. His best friend is Chris Vail, played by Jake Johnson of New Girl fame. He’s the comedic relief. Every one of his scenes either has him whining about following Nick into danger, or whining about being dead, or whining that Nick needs to come this way, please and thank you. Yeahhh, I wasn’t impressed.
Our token female heroine (if you really want to call her that, sorry) is Dr. (?) Jenny Halsey, an archaeologist. I think. She does so many damn things in the first twenty or thirty minutes that make me question whether she’s new or just dumb. Annabelle Wallis does what she can with what she’s got, but she doesn’t have much to work with.
Russell Crowe got roped into this mess as well, as Dr. Jekyll of all characters! And they messed up their portrayal of Jekyll and Hyde, but at that point, I really wasn’t surprised. He also didn’t do much besides kick Tom Cruise’s ass at one point (my therapy for getting through this). As for Marwan Kenzari, he’s Malik, though unnamed in the movie. He’s the chief of security apparently. He also has like thirty spoken words total across his five or so scenes. Oh, and he gets KO’ed by Jenny with the book from the 90’s Mummy film. One of the few funny moments in this trash heap. He also has nothing to do, and is beyond wasted.
There’s one more character of note. The Mummy herself, Ahmanet, played by Sofia Boutella. She… is a character. She’s basically there to cause trouble. Loki, if you will. Completely useless, no character development. But she bitch slaps Cruise like three times, so she is officially best character in my book.
As for the story… like I said, fever dream. It made no sense. Nick is a useless character, completely cookie cutter and worthless. If he opened up his mouth and talked to Token Female Heroine about what he was seeing in his head for like five minutes (instead of the four shots he did in a row… dude you probably have a concussion, alcohol is a bad idea…), this film might not have sucked so much. The band of morons does every thing wrong. Oh, and apparently Nick is Set in the end. So, bad guy. Kinda.
The CGI is honestly garbage. I know there were rewrites and reshoots and all that, but it felt rushed and terrible. There is a shot where Ahmanet is throwing up liquid mercury. It looked so beyond fake that I burst out into laughter.
I know they were trying to set up a cinematic universe, similar to the Marvel Cinematic Universe or DC’s Live Action Universe. But this film failed in so many regards. The final montage was attempting to set up for a sequel, or the next film in said universe, but it honestly closed out the film with a boulder with STOP written all over it.
I actually felt sorry for Cruise by the end. He played a character that was almost entirely the complete opposite from Ethan Hunt, his character in the Mission Impossible series. The problem is, while this idea is great on paper, it is ruined by bad writing. He comes off as a complete idiot with no real respect for the Chain of Command, no idea what he’s doing, and no real wish to learn. He is arrogant for no good reason. It’s almost like he’s an idiot for no damn reason.
I’m gonna cut this rant off now, because if I don’t, I’ll go for an hour. I will leave you with this: the best shot in the film is where Marwan Kenzari shoots Tom Cruise in the chest with a tranq dart. It’s glorious.
Final verdict? Avoid at all costs. Even if you’re trying to watch everything the TOG cast has done. Not worth it at all.
Until next time!